How are you feeling?

Since my last post I have received a lot of inquiries from people asking how I'm feeling.  The honest short answer is that I feel good.  I'm able to get around, walk the dog, eat what I want and function pretty much normally.  I guess that is my definition of feeling good.  If I could not do these things I guess my answer would be that I don't feel so good.  To me it is really that simple.

Now, ask me what I am feeling and it is time for you to sit back and take time to read this.
From the time of diagnosis until today I have gone through a litany of very strong feelings.  I've tried to tie an event to a feeling.

• Surprised : When I was told I have high liver function numbers after a routine physical.
• Nervous : When I was sent to the hospital for a scan of my liver.
• Scared : When during my colonoscopy I was told I have a very large tumor and I would not be leaving the hospital until I had surgery to remove it.
• Shocked : When the surgeon showed me the amount of tumor involvement in my liver was 100 times more than I thought it would be. 
• Elated : When the surgeon told me he had removed my colon tumor without me needing a colostomy bag.
• Confused :  After my surgery I was out of it. As time has gone by I have been hearing more and more of what I said and how I acted toward everyone in my room.  Sorry!!
• Thankful : That I have the best group of family and friends as my support group to back me up on this battle.  
• Lonely : When everyone was enjoying Thanksgiving dinner and I was in the hospital drinking chicken broth.
• Grateful : That everyone pitched in and helped Vic with Thanksgiving dinner and made it  a wonderful day.
• Overwhelmed : When we saw the oncologist for the first time and we were told my cancer was  terminal and depending how treatment goes my time here was not going to be real long.
• Guilty : For allowing this to happen to Vic. This was not how it was supposed to be.  We had plans for our future that have all changed now.  She has had to take on burdens that no one should have to.  I wish it was different for her.
• Hopeful : After my first couple of treatments my tumors shrunk at a high rate and I was tolerating the chemo well.
• Inspired : The Lord has been with me from the start.  I feel blessed to receive his healing power everyday and my faith in him is stronger than ever.
• Proud : I have the greatest boys a father could ever ask for.  They have been by my side every step of the way with positive attitudes and actions.  Having the opportunity to see them perform and excel in the field of sports has fulfilled a dream of mine.  To see Matt become a great father to my grand children is wonderful.  To be able to see Sam graduate, get a job and coach is a blessing for me.
• Anxious : I just don't know what is in store for me next.  My tumors have been shrinking and then growing.  The treatments work very well and then they don't.  What's next?
• Over The Moon : Anything to do with the grand daughters. They truly make me feel like there is nothing wrong in my life.
• Tearful : Anytime I think about what I will miss with the girls.
• Joy : Finding out that I will have a grandson.  Knowing that I will be here for his birth!
• Determined :  I will do whatever I have to in order to give this cancer a good fight.
• Loved : Everyday I feel the love of my family.  It is their love that has helped me stay positive throughout this battle.
• Anger : Whenever I think about what I am going to miss.
• Peaceful : Knowing my life is in the hands of the Lord

  That is the difference between how I am feeling vs what I am feeling. Say a prayer for my finger surgery tomorrow!