"While I still can......"

"You better do it while you still can....".  This is a comment that I've been hearing a lot lately and it's very true.  Ever since my release from the hospital I have had the opportunity to spend time looking at this cancer battle from the mental side.  We made the decision to let the physical do what the physical will do.  No more treatment, just try to stay comfortable.  I was not aware of how difficult the mental side of this would be to deal with.  I was not aware that the mainstay of my "treatment" was going to be pain management.  I've always prided myself on having a sharp mind and the narcotics have definitely dulled a good portion.  It is actually funny to listen to Vic and Sam tell me some of the things I did that I had no idea I did.  We all laugh, but I can see how it hurts them knowing this will be the new norm.  There are times in the middle of the night when I get frustrated because my mind is not working right.  I tried to explain to both Sam and Vic one morning that I fell asleep to a show on TV that was filmed in Alaska and when I woke up I thought it was winter outside.  No big deal but, it happened more than once.  That is when it gets a little spooky for me. I am writing about things like this because these are the things that make me feel blessed.  I have the support and understanding of Vic and Sam everyday.  They can be my filter but at the same time they allow me to just talk and discuss what's going on.  I read about people who are going through this phase and see that the drugs are the only support they have.  They use them for  both mind and body numbing.  Not me.  I still feel God has some things for me to say.  Stay tuned for those gems (get ready filters). Just kidding.?
Something else that has happened over the past few days has been a huge increase in communication between Vic and I.  She has been lucky enough to take some vacation days from work so she has been here full time.  We have used this time to just sit and talk.  What do we talk about?  Everything.  We have set up where the funeral is going to be and what will be done at the service.  We've gone over my hospice care and how that all works.  We have got tons accomplished which will be very helpful in the long run.  Most importantly, we have had the time to talk about our lives together.  We have laughed and mostly cried as we talk about the immediate future.  We have kind of reviewed our lives together and I am very happy with what we did.  Our boys have given us all a parent could ask for.  We have lived our lives in a way we can be proud of.  We had many chances to go to what I call the "Dark Side" and cave into a materialistic life style but we didn't.  I'm very proud of this. Our focus has been and remains on the happiness of the entire family and the payoff shows we made the right decision.  After we did a kind of an inventory on how we think we did, we were both comfortable enough to make a decision.  We decided every night that in addition to saying I love you when we go to bed, we are comfortable enough to say "good bye" and feel peace and solice.  You don't need a pending death to do this.  Go ahead, take your own inventory and see how you feel.  Keep praying.