It's been awhile since my last post. I've had people ask why I haven't been posting as much as I did in the past. I've been thinking of an answer for that question and I think I finally got it. It has been almost 15 months since I was diagnosed with terminal cancer. When I was initially diagnosed my emotions took off at a million miles per hour. I did not know how long I had and I was trying to fit in as much as possible in the time that I did have. As time went on and my treatment started to show some promise my urgency to get things done seemed to slow down. I shifted my energy towards the treatment and the chance that it was working to cure me. Unfortunately this was short lived. The side effects of the treatment was too much to handle and we had to slow down. This gave the cancer a chance to get the upper hand and the tumors began to grow once again. Now we had to re-group one more time. We decided to go back to a treatment regimen that has worked on the tumors in the past but, has shown some very nasty side effects. This is were we are now. I am back to weekly treatments. My blood work numbers have been good but, the finger infections, upper body rash and low platelet count are all back. The big question is how long before I have to stop this treatment and switch to something else. Is this going to be the norm for my future? Am I going to be jumping from treatment to treatment, side effect to side effect and gain no ground? Here is the answer to my initial question. I am not in denial of my illness, I am just ignoring it. This is why I am not writing about it. I feel I have nothing new to say. I'm spinning my wheels. I definitely needed a push to get off dead center and I got that push. Making a sort of spur of the moment decision, Vic and I decided to drive out to Baltimore and attend Caroline's 3rd birthday party. Well, we did it and we just got back. This trip was just what I needed to get my mind back on track.
As I mentioned, we did drive out. This drive turned out to be a blessing in itself. This was the first time Vic and I had the opportunity to spend time together without any distractions. It was a 26 hr round trip and I loved it. We were able to talk about the past, the present and the future. We laughed, cried and generally had a good time being alone together. We decided we will definitely do it again in the future.
It has always been tough to have Matt and Allison living out east. Even though we spend a lot of time on the computer and the phone, there is nothing like being able to give them a hug, talk over a cup of coffee or go out to dinner together. Any time I am able to spend time face to face with them is a true blessing. Thanks you guys for the opportunity.
I have said it before and I will say it again. Spending time with the grand children is the best medicine I could ever ask for. Seeing my two girls and my little boy renew my urgency to make certain I am getting the most out of the time I have. This is not some sort of doom and gloom vision of my life, it is a wake up call to continue to pray for a miracle but, while I am waiting for God's will, I will try to get the most out of what I have left. I think this is something we should all do. It certainly doesn't take much time, money or energy. What did I do with the kids over the weekend? Musical chairs, reading books, watching them dance, allowing them in my bed in the morning to watch cartoons, playing make believe, tucking them in bed at night and saying prayers together, making pancakes together, walking Lillian into school, attending Caroline's birthday party, feeding Owen, walking him to sleep, cuddling him on my chest while he naps, making him smile and coo just to name a few.
If you feel your life in spinning it's wheels, try some of these little things with the people you love. I promise you will feel better. I know I do. Keep praying!
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